Friday, April 06, 2007

Ode to the Left Hand




So I'm sitting there in precal one day in high school. It's about 7:30 in the morning, and my best friend, southpaw Marcos del Patel walks in. Marcus is about 6-2, 180, olive skin, brown eyes, black hair, and a body girls drooled over. He's also the school's best Tenor I. He strolls in several minutes late, as usual. Ms. Krause (Krazy K to her fans), fresh from attending the 50th reunion of a high school class she taught, rolls her eyes at him. The day has officially begun.

At some point, SeƱor Patel sharpens his pencil. He and I, closest confidants and co-Subway-employees, sat near each other. On his way to his seat, he stops at my desk and says "Don't you hate it how your butt shakes?"

Very odd pause. "What?"

"You know--when you sharpen your pencil? You get up there, everybody's watching you. You put the pencil in the sharpener, turn the crank, and [shakes his booty] shake, shake, shake?"

Right-handers (including me) throughout Krazy K's zero-hour precal class collectively pause. Once more with emphasis: "What?"

At this point, left-handed star-wide-receiver Shep turns around and points vigorously: "Yes! I hate that!!"

Now it's lefty-star-running-back B.J. Head*: "Agh!! The bain of my existence!"
Then, professional-Pittsburg-Pirates-LHP Zach Duke: "I bet a righty invented the pencil sharpener just to embarrass us."

In that moment, two star football players, a future Major League pitcher, and the king of the choir found friendship and solidarity in an unexpected place: the left-hand-pencil-sharpening-booty-boogie. And those of us who are majoritarian, middle-of-the-alphabet right-handers . . . well, we survived somehow.

Can I get a witness?




*--Ed.--Names have NOT been changed to protect anybody. Mr. Head's name really was "B.J. Head."

9 comments:

ALV said...

Wow. I can't even begin to describe how entirely weird this entire entry was. Also, it caused me to stand up in my kitchen and pantomine both a regular and reverse pencil sharpening motion. The things I do for science...

V said...

That's really strange...

I am left-handed, but I think I've used only mechanical pencils or electric pencil sharpeners my whole life, so I have not experienced this "booty boogie."

avacadojer said...

I feel my credibility is being attacked. The most left-handed person I've ever known (a college roommate named Jeremy, a chemistry major) confirmed this problem. Unfortunately, it must be revealed that he had no sense of smell.

Anonymous said...

Mikearoni wonders,

is it "bain," or "bane"?

but more importantly, why haven't noteworthy BLS lefties Plano and Preston Scott weighed in on this southpaw debacle yet?

avacadojer said...

Mikearoni--All I said was that he was a left-handed star running back in precal, not that he was a good speller.

RG said...

I'm lefthanded as well and I've never experienced this, but I've also always used either mechanical pencils or electric sharpeners, so that could be why. Now I'm intensely curious, though, and will be looking for a mechanical sharpener to test this out at the earliest opportunity.

V said...

I'm wondering if its maybe a left-handed male affliction, which doesn't affect females.

avacadojer said...

I could see that. Guys trying to show off by showing how vigorously they can sharpen a pencil. I can't say I'm not guilty...

avacadojer said...
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